I'm baaaaaaaaaack

Been gone a while, but I'm back.

Have lots to share. Watch this spot.

TDJ

I have been reading a lot of late. it is one of the few things that keep me sane.

As I grow in my faith and mature as a person, learning better ways to deal with my issues both from the past and those in the present and at the sam time trying not to worry about the future, I have decided that one of my most important goals out of my numerous ones is to make a difference in someones life....


"When you start murmuring and complaining, the only thing God can focus on is your unbelief. When you start resting in Him, He can focus on your problems and on the areas of your life that need to be touched." TDJ


Today I realized again that sometimes when friends walk out of your life it is not necessarily a bad thing. It could be the best thing for you because it could be a chance for you to grow and not constantly cater to other people. I gotta run....
Poi, hugs and kisses to you.

I'll say it again...i love you all...

new day

Hallo Everybody,

I'm proud to report that i am doing much better...for all those who remembered me in a prayer and sent me all those hugs and encouraging messages...God bless you abundantly. I working through each day with God's help. I figured it was time i did something different so i collected my savings and decided to travel...In a couple of days I will be going to the U.K, then Australia, South Africa, Uganda, Kenya, Rwanda, Egypt and then back to the States...I am so excited and plan to travel with an open mind...I love you all for writing and promise to keep in touch...

Funny thing is that recently i had this huge fall out with my boyfriend and he cursed the shit out of me...and now that i have finally decided to leave the country he is coming up with the craziest ideas to keep me here, coz he thinks i might hook up with someone else.

Tell me something, coz maybe the fact that i am so engrossed in this r/shp i can not see things clearly. Why would he want to get me pregnant after we just broke up....(sure glad this is anonymous)...? We had a long talk and we realized he does not love me as much as i love him and generally the whole r/shp was turning out to be a waste of time, even though we had been together6 years...so how does he wake up one morning and pick up there phone to say to me lets have a baby even though we are not together...? Is it my medication or does this seem odd to someone else as well. And by the way one of the main reasons we broke up is that i found out he was cheating on me. He has quite an interesting defence to that....he says because his father back in Kenya has 3 wives he tends to think it is in their blood to stray...I was like WOW, how is it that you can be with someone so long and grow to love them so much and never see things like this coming. We had some good times though...his craziness aside he is an amazing Kenyan brother and hopefully will make some women a good husband.

Back to my mudslide, I love this drink.

love you all. God Bless.

on my way out

I am living on the edge of my sanity...death does not seem like such a terrible thing anymore. I can not even pray anymore...I am scared. When i go to sleep I have nightmares and when i am awake, i am constantly thinking of ways to die............I'm sorry I write such depressing blogs...can't think anymore. Will be back later. I'm out... later

love

Found this quote inspiring. Hope it inspires som
"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly, and without expectation...We don't love to be loved; we love to love.
Leo Buscaglia
If we are able to see love in this beautiful and free-flowing way, then it's hard for those dreadfully destructive feelings of possessiveness and jealousy to take root in our hearts. Our love is so much more powerful when we ask nothing in return for it; when it is not part of some trade for promises of security; when it is vulnerable, genuine, and pure.

Asante

Thank you for all the encouraging pep talk I got...I will snap out of this eventually...God Bless.

lOsiNg iT!!!!

I have not been writing much because I have not been feeling myself. This is not out of the ordinary for me but for some reason I finally decided to see a doctor...after a couple of weeks of going from one doctors office to another...I finally got a diagnosis...I can not say I was surprised but it still hit me kind of hard when I was told I might need to start taking anti-depressants for my clinical depression as well as attend counseling. I am looking at this doctor and thinking to myself...I am a grown almost 25 year old African woman, had my ups and downs, yes, but not anything out of the ordinary...I can easily say I have seen people around me struggle even more than I have too and yet my life has come to this. I keep asking myself why I can not practice what I preach. I am one of those people who can give an amazing pep talk. ..but can not work things out myself. The few times I try to open up I can not seem to express exactly what is on my mind...I convinced myself that I just had bad cases of PMS...but it went beyond that. I have days when I just can not stop crying and just stay in bed...but I have the greatest skills at putting on a happy face...I seem to be failing at that too of recent. I am losing my mind, I have days filled with suicidal thoughts and good days. What frustrates me the most is that I can not seem to figure out the root of my pain...well all my pain, I guess hence the therapy. I hope I did not get anybody low with all my bulls... I just need to write it out loud and see if maybe I could understand all this mambo jumbo in my head...alright now till I feel sane which could be sooner than later...peace and God Bless.